i can't

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OH NO!

I can't think of anything to write. I can't think of anything to take pictures of. I have completely tapped out of creative juices, atleast for the month of june. Good thing there are limited minutes left to this month. Its been a struggle the entire month, just trying to do something different while the comfortable side wants to just perfect what i already have. It has left me in a mode of stagnation. It is really odd cause i have had some big opportunities to do stuff completely different but some how i didnt?

So with these 65 minutes i have remaining in june i decided to just do. You know, just do? Like what ever pops in my head is being written like if this girl i have been wanting to progress with pops in my head i will talk about that. If i start thinking about wanting a double cheeseburger from mcdonalds even if its poison, then thats what will be here. I'll probably go grab my camera and take some random pictures of my oh so fucked up room with these infernal stacks of unlabeled dvds i cant throw away or take the time to preview. then i can maybe use this blog for its original intentions , to show my weird pictures that no one really wants to see so i can keep everything else focused on the stuff people pay for, nakedish women or overly dressed women and men at times.

I just really ant to do what i want to do. Sometimes i dont know what that is so i do nothing but i think i need to do more me. More spontaneous chrisness needs to occur in order for me to not get in another of these magnificent malaises of the last week, unless that was chrisness.. that would suck. It seems now that im writing that there is never a time anyone should not be able to atleast write something... eventhough i know a few good writers who get caught up in that alot. Possibly it is because people get caught up in the goodness of what they do instead f just doing what they do. Yes it is important to be good at what you do. But it is more important to do.

Moving right along, still listening to this gordongartellradio.com stuff and phonte has beoome one my favorite rappers, without rapping. Even though Little brother did just drop a new cd so go get that. but just off the podcasts general hilarity.

Welp it's time to press on, bout to make these moves to make sure july is fruitful.

b e z

Gamblin'

i wrote a totally different blog, but when i got to the end i couldnt find a suitable conclusion. I kept seeing these flashing lights. The blinking. I kept hearing the chimes and the simulated sound of coins clinking. The clanking. I smell the full buffet and taste the free drinks. What distracted me? The addiction that is Gambling.

I did a little of it today with my mother. I really hate going to the casino, especially when i dont have any kind of expendable money to burn. That seems to be when she wants to make me go with her. She gives me a 20, i win, i give it back... then she goes and plays it. then i proceed to lose all MY money. It, like cold cool colt 45, works every time. I always feel bad too. But i cant resist it after i won with someone else's money.

Thats how they get you though. Those flickers of light, bursts of sound. chinging sounds of money and fortune won. Even when you won less than you bet. For that second when your 5 dollars in quaters is wracking up and corning thru the machine you are invincible. There is no way in hell you can lose 45 more times in a row. But some how you alas do. If you didnt there would be no casinos, just a lot of independently wealthy smokers.

What drew me to these thoughts of gambling rally? The thought that i need to take more risks. Capture my destiny. Work harder to reach what i want. Since it seems so close to me to everyone else, maybe i am just too close to notice it? That does tend to happen, like a good friend you never notice is cute till they get in a relationship. Its time to gamble, i have been putting in these quarters for a quarter of a century its time for a jackpot.
Right?

you cant fix it

Someone asked me about reparations today. They wanted to know if i thought that America should give black people reparations for slavery. I thought on it only momentarily. Then, i said of course not. America should not give reparation for something they can not repair, they should not give reparations for slavery. They should however give reparations for stealing our culture and history. By displacing a people and creating the first group of non willful immigrants in American history, early American settlers set African Americans today behind. Yes i said it. And no it is not a victimist attitude that i posses, rather one of a man with no history and no country of origin so to speak. How can you be expected to have a sense of country and pride and culture, if your parents went to segregated schools and your moms moms mom picked cotton, and NO ONE knows where they came from. If your family has no history beyond 1860 and your great grandmother was born in 1907 and didnt pass until 2008, the only sense of culture you have is what we have been able to adapt while here.

Black people have a truly unique experience and there is little that could be done to allow us to have the same starting point as other immigrants that came to America of their own volition, or even of those who were forced out of America by incoming settlers. So no i dont think land and donkeys will be reparations will be given for slavery.

What is your take on the situation?

i am not an artist.

Ever since i was a little kid i wanted to be an artist. A painter, sculptor, photographer, poet, singer... anything that would allow me to express myself. But now? Fuck that! I want to be who i am when i am who i am but i dont want to put myself out there for the world to review. Because indeed, everyone is a critique. But sometimes people dont even have enough courtesy to view or listen before they judge.

Why would i want to be an artist, and allow people to pass judgment on me based on something i created from a thought? Why would i want to put myself and my thoughts on display for everyone to see or read and comment on as they feel? Who would want people they dont know to know what they think? Why would one open themselves to a deep personal rejection such as that? I barely like approaching omen for fear of rejection, how can i approach customers, clients, fans, and art lovers with the possibility of rejection?

That is why i hide behind technique, and try to be masterful in all i do on a technical level, so no one thinks they can tell what i think. And that is why i am not an artist.

the day...

Today was not what i thought it would be, not what i had planned or what i expected. No words of any anticipatory nature could describe this day. 

Today started a little like the day before and most other days, barely awake trying to figure out why its so hard to get sleep and trying to figure out if I'm going to sleep or get up. Then my mom calls to remind me i have to take her to get oral surgery today. So i lay around another hour fighting the sleepies. Then finally i get out o the streets go to her and her husbands abode, i am already ready to roll because his children are the wild bunch and i hate dentist/doctors visits as much as i hate waiting. So we are finally leaving and my mom comes out with no wedding rings on and says she is not going back, totally not part of the play for the day and i wasn't in relationship therapy mode so i didn't have any words for her even though they were passing through my mind, but there were little kids in the car who didn't need to be involved so, yeah. Then 3 hours after i arrival at the dentist thats all done and my mom is unable to talk although that in no way stopped her from trying. Seeing her in so much pain after the surgery and dealing with changing the gauze and all that really made me emotional i'm not used to seeing my mom weak.  Apparently my mom choosing to come to my house instead of going back to the house she shares with her husband made him so angry he said he wants a divorce (even though there would have been no way she could sleep with 7 kids knocking on the door asking for something every 15 minutes it was bad enough he called 50 times from 6 p.m. till 12.)

So i'll probably be playing doctor phil with this stuff tomorrow... not delicious.

Eventually she felt beter and i went to the eclectic oul session tuesday jump off they do every other week o go do something for J wigg, and it was rather nice in there. It was at LiT one of the nicer spot in bricktown... a Hookah bar with a lounge and a second floor patio very swank. The band was great, even if the performances were a tad disorganized and not as smoothly ran as san kofa in dallas, at least they trying, and the quality was good. The event did make me remember something from my days going to all the local shows... Oklahomans do not under stand how to show appreciation, there are no thank you's and NEVER will you hear a nice warm round of applause. Hell half the time they can't take a break from the conversation they started at the same time as the performer, or stop clowning the person acting a fool over there or the chic who almost fell o the girl with too much cleavage or the dude with raggedy shoes or a belly shirt, long enough to pay attention for what they paid 5 dollars to see. Or did they pay 5 dollars to come see how badly others dressed and so they can boost their self esteem? Who knows. I just know its the thing i hate most about oklahoma, other than people being broke and lazy. ( aside from myself cause i can do that.)

My last thought is, how many people send me messages on myspace like all the time on myspace but see me in public and don't know who the hell i a. Admittedly my page is mainly for biz and there are not a lot of pictures of me, but if you message me frequently i just assume u have LOOKED at them once or twice since my page is about pictures and such...

Oh well guess im not famous yet

The agony of defeat

It feels so bad to feel like you aren't living up to your destiny. It makes you feel so empty inside when you feel like you have this greater calling, and you see it all lined up right there close enough you can feel it. Then you push and push, and the harder you push the further away it gets. Then one day you realize that you just cant get there. There just are not enough delegates, wait thats Hillary Clinton's failure story not mine. Anyway, i been feeling real Hillary lately, could be Clinton or Banks ( fresh prince of bel aire reference), i feel dumb and like i have been trying to hard.

I kinda feel like i am failing at my mission in life right now. I have ben way too lazy since school got out and i havent been working with d as much on shoots. Im pretty much just sitting around waiting for IT to happen for me. I dont know what IT is, but im waiting for it. Once IT happens all will be great. Any body know how i can ienourage it to happen, i mean with out doing stuff, and preferably something free?

For some reason people think im really good at photography but when i look at my shots all i see is whats missing. People say i give good advice but when i think about me all i think about is what isnt right in my life. Why do i know the solution for everyone but me? Or do i know it and just cant convince myself to do it. Why do i constantly have a woman around me that i think could be great but i dont have anything to say? But when i know i don have a shot i talk my ass off until i annoy myself...

simple question... what do you want from life?
but is the answer even possible, as it is ever changing but really it isnt, the answer is always happiness but happiness evolves. somedays happiness is $100,000, some days happiness is just seeing a friend smile cause its their birthday or i just havent seen them smile enough. Some days al it takes for me to feel filled is music, some outkast rh factor, anthony david, miguel, esthero, JayDee, Anthony Hamilton, Stevie Wonder, Donny Hathaway, E badu, anything that soothes me or moves me. Even now, i turned on some music and lost my ability to write a negative emo ass blog..

so im done
i even failed at talking about failing

nothing changed

Today was a waste, but nothing has changed. I tried so hard to get off to a good start woke up early brushed teeth, washed ass, worked out a touch. Then i proceeded to go back to bed. I couldn't think of anything i wanted to do at the time so i did nothing. That last sentence is a summary of my life sometimes, unless i become inspired by something or someone, but the times with no inspiration... or when i am on hold or being less than attended to i can fall into a phase of do nothing. I know its bad, and it doesn't make anything better cause if you do nothing you get nothing  done and all that hub bub, but when you get the ball rolling in the wrong direction it tends to stay rolling that way. Gravity and inertia are a bitch. I should harbor some of my kinetic energy of the mind and make many things happen with the few talents and little good sense i have.  My mind is too bogged down though, i feel like i have to much to do for others to do for me and so i get sick of not being able to do anything for me and decide to do nothing. PERIOD. that is the real deeper issue, but im too unselfish to allow myself to be selfish enough to make myself better. Makes a lot of sense right? I feel like I am trapped but at the same time i don't want to go anywhere because i don't want to lose the little that i have. But if nothing is ventured nothing is gained, yeah its super cliche but true fucking critiques. I just want to do better, and know i can because my talent is unlimited except by me and finances and my mind is ... well only limited by my lack of short term memory, and i dont even smoke weed whats up with that? I had to vent

but nothing changed